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| "JAKE" |
There was "never" a dull moment when
Matt was around. His days and nights were filled with non-stop drama whether it was good or bad didn't matter to him. He could
find humor in just about anything and if you gave him 15 minutes of your time, before all was said and done he would bring
a smile to your face.
His smile was contageous!
The most precious gift that Matt gave to this world
was his children. He was blessed to have strong , healthy boys to carry on his name.
| GUY MAUTEAU (SURROGATE BROTHER) |
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| OUR MATT & CINDY MARZO (SURROGATE SISTER) |
 A Eulogy For
MATT JAWORSKI
Written by Kent Smith in collaboration with M.Suzzanne Guess
I've been given the uneviable task of summing up Matt Jaworski's
life in words. Eulogies should be short because it doesn't take long to tell the truth and Matt's life demands that I be honest
with you today.
Men envied Matt and women wanted him for the same reason: He did
what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it no matter where he was or who he was with. The Buddhists maintain that the highest
spiritual state is to enjoy acting completely free of fear or insecurity. Matt had this spiritual gift. He thoughtfully constructed
his own code of conduct from beliefs based on freedom, independence and justice. It's no coincidence that this sounds like
the Declaration of Independence, Matt LIVED it. What some call defiance or rebelliousness was his devotion to a simple code:
To Thine Own Self Be True.
He reminded people of Davy Crockett who said "Make sure you're right,
and then go ahead." People talk about being in the moment of experiencing life. If you were with Matt, you were in the moment,
you were in the place to be. It never occurred to him to hide who he was. The French call it elan, a passion for life and
it showed in the elegance of his artistic metalwork. Why did we want to be like him? Like Peter Pan, he never grew old. If
you question why he's gone, remember there's living life on life's terms, and living life on Matt's terms, which he did. He
live as he wanted and was ready when he left, even if we weren't. If quality is a benchmark of a complete life, his was as
full as any.
He did all for his boys that he could, and prepared them for this
moment as best he could. Because of the kind of man that he was, his children must never be alone. When he curled up with
his kids in bed we called them the wolfpack. Matt loved nothing more than having them around while he smoked his jerkey or
worked around the house. Matt's patron saint is St. Joseph, protector of children and virgins. Matt was a protector of children
and virgins, and he sought solice from Joseph at the age of 20 when his own mother died. Little Matt, Harley , Robbie
and Jacob have all been given St. Joseph medals like the one their father wore to carry them through this difficult time.
We are reminded of the prayer of another saint, St. Francis of Assisi, who wrote:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred,
let me sow love; when there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness,
light; and where there is sadness, joy. Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood,
as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and
it is in dying
[to ourselves] that we are born to etenal life.
We owe so much to those who make us think, to question authority
or our very existence. Matt did all of this for us and more. Poet Leigh Hunt, who also died young after touching many people
wrote about such people in his poem Abou Ben Adam:
Abou Ben Adam (may his tribe increase!) awoke one night from
a deep dream of peace, and saw, within the moonlight of his room, making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, an angel writing
in a book of gold. Exceeding peace had made Ben Adam bold, and to the Presence in the room he said: "What writest thou?" The
vision raised its head, and with a look made of all sweet accord, answered: "The names of those who loved the Lord" .
"And is mine one?" said Abou, "Nay, not so" replied the angel. Abou
spoke more low, but cheerily still, and said, "I pray thee then, write me as one who loves his fellow men." The angel wrote
and vanished. The next night it came again, with a great awakening light, and showed the names whom love of God had blest,
and lo! Ben Adam's name led all the rest. - Leigh Hunt
Matt taught us to be ourselves, to trust our instincts and to act
without fear, but he can't make you do it. If you want to honor him, live each moment to the fullest and be happy!
| Welcome To Matt's World By Nana Suzzie |
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IN 1989, Robert and I were living in Roser Park in St, Petersburg, Florida we rented a large and decrepit
late Victorian home from a land speculator who had purchased 4 sad and lonely old houses and one dilapidated quadreplex and
a newer but more unsightly duplex erected in the late 50’s or early 60’s. I say more unsightly because at least
the other structures had historical value and Old Florida Cracker graciousness. This neighborhood had once been a showplace
a manmade hill whose graceful structures looked down upon winding brick streets and out across the city with an air of benign
aloofness. Now they were on the periphery of disreputable but the man who purchased them {we’ll call him E for the sake
of further narration} was speculating that it’s nearby neighbors of two large well respected hospitals and a university
would eventually bring about a turn around in property values.
We had moved to this house for a variety of reasons, the house we had been living in 2 years
prior was being sold and we were not yet ready to purchase a home. We needed a larger home than our pocketbooks could easily
afford. Beside the three of us Robert, Guy, my son, and I we had also taken on the responsibility of Robert’s mentally
unstable father Martin and we needed a house large enough to give us and him a sense of privacy while still having easy access
to him and he to us. We had been looking for about a week when an add “For a charming four bedroom 2 bath home in a
historical district” the price was just about right so he made the call and reconnoitered the neighborhood and came
back cautiously excited because as anyone knows who has any real estate savvy
Either
the words quaint, historical, and / or charming along with a low or reasonable price are just code words for TROUBLE with
the house or its surroundings or both. In this case it was both, outwardly looking up at the hill where the house sat perched
gazing out with
easygoing indifference the stone
steps leading you upward through a tunnel of bougainvilleas to the large screened porch on the front took my
Breath
away and sent me back to my childhood. This was the kind of house that I was born in, that both sets of my grandparents had
lived in, the kind of house where I did at least half of my growing up. I knew that the rooms would be large, with high ceilings
and many, many windows and there were two chimneys which meant that there might be at least one working fireplace. I was sold
before we even set foot inside. I didn't care what kind of problems we might encounter my longing to reverse time was greater
then any possible plumbing or wiring problems, even greater then the fearful warnings that we had received when I told a couple
of friends the address of the house that Robert was taking me to.” Oh, that is a bad part of town, which is where all
the murders, muggings, and drug deals go down. You shouldn’t even go there to look. Keep your windows up and your doors
locked.” I just did not care it meant nothing next to the security of feeling that I just MIGHT be able to go home again.
Besides there was stockade fencing enclosing the entire backyard and the two gates the one on the side and the one under the
carriage house had locks and the front was a steep hill with a tangled sub-tropical jungle and stone steps guarded by that
ancient and thorny canopy of bougainvilleas, and we had two dogs that were noisy and watchful. I have been
disabled since childhood and get out very seldom except to church and the doctor, who was NOW right across the street at the
hospital, there was absolutely no reason why I could not have this chance to feel at home again. If Robert and Guy took only
one route out of the neighborhood, they would be on safe ground in less than a minute. Therefore, we moved in and yes, there
were some problems that we had to take care of because E was not inclined to take care of them unless it was something that
had been cited by code enforcement. After several months of repairing things and then charging E for the cost of repair by
submitting the receipts and deducting the amount off of our rent E E. decided that unlike him, we were people who could be
trusted to do as they said they would and that Robert would not take being jerked around and if he felt you were trying to
do that to him or members of his family that he could jerk you around to his way of seeing things so fast and so adroitly
and so persistently that you might as well surrender. So as a result of our honesty and forthrightness EE let us continue
the arrangement and passed over all the duplicate keys to the rentals to us so that we could show them when people answered
his ads and he was out of town, or we could take care of any tenancy problems that arose and as a result we were given a break
on our monthly rental.
The types of people who answered the ads could be boiled down to a few categories and after
awhile we could tell
By
a brief telephone conversation whether some one was genuinely interested, and would be comfortable living
On
the edge of real and somewhat over reactive danger or would be disappointed and look elsewhere. Most of the tenants at any
given time were 30 years of age and under, the rest were a mixed bag of the elderly on minimum social security and middle
aged people who were having a rough time financially and even some who traded the charm of the older houses for the sense
of security they might better feel in a less picturesque neighborhood.
One morning a little over a year into our residency as I was fixing breakfast for my
husband Robert and his father Martin The dogs, MacDougal, a 40 pound terrier mix, and Sonja a Samoyed, began to bark ferociously
shortly after their strident first barks was a firm knock on the front door that rattled it’s panes of glass. I knew
that it had to be a new tenant or repairman as the tenants who had been there a month or more all knew to call ahead and when
they or “our family” or friends came over they tapped on the rear kitchen door. We had given up locking the gates
after being there only a few months because we had made friends with the young man who seemed to have his finger on the pulse
of all the criminal activity in the immediate vicinity, for some reason all his own what he seemed to want from us was company
and conversation (Tea and Sympathy?).
I secured my robe more tightly and modestly, smoothed my hair with a damp hand, hushed
the dogs ineffectually
and
walked to the front door, looped my finger in Macy’s choke chain because he was very protective and would snarl and
lunge until he was assured by my tone of voice and body language that everything was all right. Looked through the window
next to the door and saw the back of a tall gangly male apparently exiting the screen door, no he was talking to some one
on the front step half in and half out the door he bent forward a little, then stood upright
Backed
onto the porch still talking and waving one long finger at whoever or whatever he was addressing when
he
turned around he gave me a cheerful wave hello and said, Sorry, E.E. didn’t tell me you had dogs and mine just followed
me into the porch”, he pointed to the front step and there patiently sitting was an enormous black Great Dane.
Hmm-- I thought, he knows E.E. he has a dog, and he’s trained it, and he’s at
least intelligent enough to realize
that
the dog’s interaction would make talking impossible. Now, anyone who knows me knows that, Love me?
Love
my dog!” is part of who I am I once turned a date away from my doorstep because he yelled at my German Short Hair Pointer
Cricket before they had been introduced. You are a dog lover you are a potential friend, your not I may never fully trust
you. Only a true dog lover would understand this reasoning, it was the first of many unspoken bonds between the two of us.
I told Mac and Sonja to sit and stay. I opened the door and quiered,”E.E. sent you over?
Are
you a new tenant or a workman?”
Well actually, He said with a big genuine grin, I am both; E.E. is letting me stay in the
lower right apartment at that old dump of a quadreplex for doing some plastering, reconstruction, and maintenance on it and
the house next door.
"Okay”, I smiled back. You just couldn’t help yourself when this ungainly
fellow smiled,” what can I do for you? Do you need the key to the house next door, because, I really wouldn’t
feel comfortable giving it to you until we hear from E.E. I was about to invite him to have a seat on the front porch while
I went to tell Robert about his sudden appearance, he noticed that I was about to close the door and he reached out to me
across the threshold and offered me his large elongated callused hand and said, “ I’m sorry, E.E. must not have
let you know about me it was late last night that we finished our negotiations. I’m Matt Jaworski, I need some fix-a-flat,
and E.E. told me your husband Robert has just about everything under the sun that you could use for a house or a car.
I shook his hand while laughing and said,” not just under the sun but possibly in the
Universe”, while shaking his hand I took a good look into his eyes and they were completely open, trusting and without
the hidden agendas that are written by fear and anger.
Well come in Matt Jaworski but you might want to tie your shoe strings before you trip over
them,” This was a suggestion I had been making to my son Guy for at least 16 of his eighteen years so it was almost
an automatic
When
I looked down at Matt’s feet to make sure he was not carrying in half the front yard on the soles of his beaten up enormous
plaster bespattered army boots. He glanced down at them and said,” You sound just like my Mom she is always after me
about my shoelaces but I haven’t tripped yet. He stepped into the room and followed me back to the kitchen. As he went
he made comment about how this house was going to need some work from his hands and
I
agreed and said something about the cobbler’s children never having new shoes and invited him to sit at the kitchen
table and asked him how he took his coffee. He noticed a book written by Kurt Vonnegut lying on the kitchen table
And
said,” Isn’t he great have you read “Slaughterhouse Five” or “Breakfast of Champions’.
Wow, I thought he’s not illiterate. He, Robert, and Guy will have a lot to talk about with each other.
I offered him some breakfast, he politely refused and I politely insisted,
set a plate down in front of him went to get Robert out of his office, introduced him to Matt Jaworski and they started talking
a mile a minute about Kurt Vonnegut, E.E. and his peculiarities, construction, and finally flat tires. They rose from the
table, put their dishes in the sink, and were still talking as they went out the door and through the gate. I knew as they
walked away that Matt would be back for dinner that night and sure enough he and his Great Dane, Hiccough were with us almost
every night that week and at least a couple of times every week after that. From that day on, he would be almost as much a
part of our family As if he were our son genetically. After only a few days had passed, he no longer knocked at the kitchen
door he would just stick his head in and shouted hello just like all of Guy’s closest friends. He knew there was always
a place for him at the table and an ear to listen and plenty of good conversation and more then enough activity to keep him
from ever getting bored.
Matt seemed to be the catalyst for a new era in our lives. Soon there were more and
more tenants who were young and spiritually experimental, and intellectually and artistically curious and we were drawn together
for a myriad of reasons not the least of which was the fact that we had all experienced difficult times in our childhood And
been damaged by parents who had been damaged themselves. We chose each other as a “ Family” in order to understand
our past and to try to overcome it or at least make peace with it. Some of those people are still a part of Matt’s extended
“Family” and became an integral part of his and of our lives to this day. Over the years, Matt added people as
other extended “Family,” we added people, and oftentimes they would all merge because our attitude has been and
still is,
“That
we are all in God’s Family and all part of the family of man.” Some people were temporarily in our lives and some
we have become closer and closer to over the years. Matt was my eldest son from that day foreword to this very moment where
he now resides in my heart, mind, and soul. There is not a day since he died that I do not think of
him
and speak to his spirit as if he standing or sitting with me.
Matt on a very real level became my son officially after I met his Mother Jane Jaworski and
we found that we had
many
things in common beside s our love of Matt not the least of which was a similar ancestry that stretched back in this country
to the 1600’s. Suffice to say that in our blood we shared the genes of those first few who left Great Britain To found a new home in a new land unencumbered by the dictates
of the Anglican church and the Crown.
The Two times that Jane and I were able to sit and visit; we had an innate understanding of each
other and shared many confidences. She trusted me with the care and love of her one biological son. Jane and I talked on the
telephone at least once a week about Matt and our biological families and marital families. She was bright, artistic, intuitive,
demanding
And
not a little obsessive, hardheaded and very, very courageous.
(Good
old puritan stock?)
Jane
fought cancer for many years in order to stick around for her husband Tom, her three, now adult, children by marriage. But
most of all for her son, her baby, Matthew David Jaworski whom she loved beyond anyone or anything in this world. However,
Jane did not love him blindly, although she worried and nagged and did not care for his faults and weaknesses she Loved him
for them as much as she loved his strengths and virtues some of which were Jane and some of which were his Father, and some
of which were uniquely Matt.
I
could and still do relate to and understand her feelings because; this is how I feel about my son light Guy Manteau. (Not
to be confused with Jane’s son by marriage Guy Jaworski. It tickled Jane and I that we both had sons with such an uncommon
name that was at one time a very common part of the English language.) This is also the way I came to feel about Matthew and
that feeling grew stronger with each of the passing years.
The last call I received from Jane was a little less than a week before she died when I heard
her voice I knew that something was different by the tone and timbre of her voice and she had phoned at a time of the day
when she knew Matt would not be available. Usually, when she phoned it was in the evening or on the week- end and Matt would
talk first and then Jane and I would chat for awhile mostly about our boys, our families and on other subjects of mutual interest.
This time she did not want to speak with Matt. She told me, she would phone him that night around dinnertime, and asked me
if I would let him know. I said I would, and there was a long pause on her end and she cleared her throat a couple of times
and then she said, Suzzie thank you for everything you have done for Matt. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate
it. I told her that it was no problem because he was so lovable and helpful. She then said,” You know I’m very
tired. I’m tired of fighting and tired of trying and I don’t think I can do it much longer.” I told her
I understood, because having had chronic pain most of my life there have been not a few days that I have wanted only to go
to sleep and never awaken. But my pain, unlike Jane’s is not terminal and unrelentingly hard, so I knew what she was
going to say next and she did,” I can’t do it anymore and it would be so much easier for me if I knew that you
will be there for Matt when I’m gone,” I didn’t hesitate for one moment, I said," Jane you know he all ready
calls me his other Mom?” She said, I know but I wanted to know how you felt about having Peter Pan as another son, because
you know he will always need a Mother he will never grow up completely. We both laughed and I
Said,
I know he’s Peter Pan remember we have talked about this before and like Wendy, I will do my best to be his Mother as
long as he needs me. (A little aside to Aunt Bev at this point, that is why I nudged you and said to you,” my line has
been stolen” by one of the others who was eulogizing Matt, I was pleased to know that others saw this character trait
in Matt as, his mother Jane and I had shared this metaphor in our last conversation concerning him.) Jane thanked me and I
promised her that I would provide comfort and security for Matt after she was gone. We hung up and I never heard from her
again but I had made a promise and I did my best to keep it for the remainder of Matt’s time here on earth.
I
don’t think Jane ever told anyone but, Matt and I, which was enough. She had her own reasons for keeping silent.
Over the years, Matt told a handful of people who were closest to him, “My Mother gave me
to Mom before she died, and I’ll always have two Moms. And my boys will have a Nana who will love them the rest of their
lives. I’m a lucky man!”
And, I Am A Lucky Woman to have had Matt for my son for nearly 17 years. To have held Mattie, Harley
and Bobby when they were brand new, to have changed their diapers, soothed their tears, fixed there boo boos, held them on
my lap, made them cookies, told them stories, watched movies with them, watched them sleeping, sat by the fire with them celebrated
almost every birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas, prayed over them and about them with Matt, they are my grandchildren regardless
of DNA, legal status or the opinion of others who may not now, but will hopefully after completion of this episodic saga,
understand the depth, width breadth and strength of a bond forged by Love, Honor and 17 years of shared
prayers, experiences, confidences,sorrows,thoughts,feelings and hopes.
I write this story not only for myself in order to achieve closure, but for the boys, Jacob,
Matty, Harley and Bobby, for Matt’s remaining sibling Guy Jaworski, for my son Guy and Husband Robert, for Matt’s
large extended family the brothers and sisters of his early years with us, the ones from the trailer park who surround Grandpa
Bobby and Grandma Theresa and the extended family at The Ranch that surround Aunt Bev and Uncle Steve. I write it because
so large a life, and a man so alive with Love should be remembered with unconditional love not in spite of his “demons”,
and he had them as do we all, but along with the angelic and all too human traits that made Matthew David Jaworski a unique
force for good in this world, if not always for himself, certainly for others.
There is much more to tell and little by little as my health and energy allow
I will add to this narrative. Some things will bring you tears, some will make you laugh and some may make you angry, but
whatever you feel you would not be here if you too did not love Our Matt at some point in your life and be assured he loved
you as well.
I am including some writings by Dr.Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on death, dying grief and mourning I shared them with Matt
when his Mother and Father and Brother Tom died and now they are yours to refer to when ever you need them.
Love
To All, Nana Suzzie
Tune in next month for another exciting episode in The Life and Times of Our Matt.
| Death .... Dying |
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| Grief .... Mourning |
 I
am sending you this collection of articles by Dr.
Elizabeth Kubler - Ross, because although many of you
are familiar with the stages of grief you may have
forgotten some of the particulars and this may help to
remind you that it is also a very real part of our
lives right now and it may help you when dealing with
others to not only understand and forgive their
reactions but yours as well. I Love You All' Suzzie
Denial and Isolation Phase of Grief
When a person is dying or experiencing the death of a loved one, it is often difficult to understand their
behavior.
Reactions to friends and other family members can be bewildering and hard to accept. Dr.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is known for her research & strategies of care for the dying. She
determined that terminally
ill patients and family members, who are losing or have lost a loved one, go through several
stages of grief. Grief reactions are not only seen around those who are experiencing death but anyone going through a traumatic event.
These stages are described as: denial, anger, bargaining
depression & acceptance.
This week's article deals with the stage of denial and
isolation. Denial and isolation are usually the first reactions
in the grief process, but not always. All human beings are individuals and do not go through the stages of grief in the expected order.
Denial and isolation reactions are shown when the affected individual:
talks only about the future , avoids talking about their or their loved one's illness, avoids family and friends , blame the doctor for their illness , claim the test results were
wrong, blame
the hospital or agency for "messing up" , refuse to return phone calls to friends and loved ones.
An example of this is shown in the following story:
Ms. Green was scheduled for surgery when tests revealed she had inoperable cancer (meaning the physician was unable to operate).
After her doctor has told her that she had less than three months to live, she packs her bags to go home. She tells her friend, "I am so glad surgery wasn't necessary, now I can get
back to work."
How do you help someone in this stage?
It is difficult to know what to do when talking to anyone that is grieving. Remember that denial acts as a buffer against the shock of
dying or losing a loved one. Sometimes friends and family members think it is best for the person to face reality. Pushing
the person
in this direction, too soon, is unfair. Denial and isolation may well be the individual's way of learning how to cope with traumatic news.
To provide support to someone in this phase:
Be nonjudgmental of their behavior , do not take anything personally
be good listener when they want to talk. As a caregiver it might be difficult when to judge that denial has existed too long? For some tips on helping a patient in denial,
go to Patient in Denial.
Other Phases of Grief:
Anger , Bargaining , Depression , Acceptance
Anger Phase of Grief
Knowing what to expect from a dying individual and their family will help you cope with their reactions. Of all the stages in the grieving
process, anger can be
the most difficult for a friend or family member to understand. Typically, an individual moves from the denial stage to the anger stage when he or she realizes that death is probable.
During this stage the person may: ask" Why me?" ... feel angry that they are dying while others are allowed to live, may question religious beliefs
accuse family members or friends of uncaring attitudes.
Mr. Henri, age 68, lives alone, he learns that he has terminal cancer and has only a short time to live.
He wants
to see all of his grandchildren before he dies. He calls the family and begs them all to come to his house for Thanksgiving in two weeks, but does not tell
them why. They all feel it would be too much trouble for him and some have other plans. They
try to get him
to go see his younger brother for Thanksgiving. He is hurt, angry, and disappointed. He calls up his brother and becomes very angry. He
accuses him of not
acting like a brother and being uncaring. He tells his brother he never wants to see him again. Family members also go through
intense anger, during this phase. Like all the stages in the grieving process, anger can occur after any traumatic event.
I have
seen situations where anger has split families apart and alienated friends. Dealing with an individual in this phase can cause feelings of anger
in yourself.
You may feel "dumped on" unfairly.
Mr. Griffin is the business manager at XYZ Enterprises. He comes to work after taking a week off. He finds
out that a letter he was supposed to send is still on his desk. He calls his secretary in to his office and blames her for the mistake. He yells
and hits his
fist on the desk. This behavior is not typical of him and the secretary is very hurt. She is even considering quitting.
Later that week, the company releases a memo stating that Mr. Griffin's youngest son was hit by a car and remains hospitalized, in a coma.
How to Cope with this Stage
The best way of handling this situation is to: remember that the anger is not directed at you, but at the situation , visualize how hurt you would
be in the same situation, accept the behavior as part of a process and a sign of change, not allow the anger to alienate you from those who are
important
in your life, allow
yourself a break from the person, but assure them that you are not deserting them
Bargaining Phase of Grief
After the dying person or family member has vented his anger at friends, family
and at God, he or she enters the bargaining phase. This stage is seen as an attempt to enter some agreement or to finish an important task to prolong life.
During the
bargaining stage, the affected person: makes promises to God or other higher power
agrees to change their lives if allowed to live , asks for an opportunity to do something special to them before they die or face
a disability
Examples of People in this Stage
Mrs. Kilsner has not talked to her sister in 20 years, she knows she is dying but has promised to make up with her sister.
She has told her pastor that she knows God will let her live if she does this.
Mr. Grayson's work causes him to travel about 100 hours a month. During one of his trips, his
daughter becomes
seriously ill. He told his wife; he felt God was punishing him for neglecting his family. He tells
her he is going to quit his job and make it up to her and his daughter. He knows that this
act will prevent his
daughter from dying.
Dr Kubler-Ross tells of a story of a great opera singer who had throat cancer. She begged the
doctor for
one more time to sing before the surgery took her voice box. She was unable to sing at a theater
because her voice was so weak. She threatened to postpone surgery until she had accomplished this task. Some
friends arranged for her to sing at Dr. Ross's seminar. This gave her an opportunity to complete
something worthwhile before she became permanently disabled.
How to Help People in this Stage
Remember promises may be associated with a quiet guilt. Mrs. Kilsner was feeling guilty about
the 20 years
disagreement with her sister. Mr. Grayson was expressing his guilt about neglecting his family.
Allow the grieving person to express these feelings and talk them out. Too many times family and
friends try
to brush the statement aside and do not give the person a chance to talk about their feelings.
One of my friends died at the age of 31. His process of dying was a long one, about 6 months.
His mother had
come from another state to care from him. When I went to see him, it was obvious that not only he was stressed, but his mother was exhausted. He
had a small
dog, which he loved very much. He wanted to find a home for the dog before he died. His mother confided in me, that he talked
about this day and night.
"What are you going to do about the dog?" I asked. "Nothing," she said, "No one wants that dog." Several friends were notified and the dog soon was promised a home. In this situation, someone had
to intervene on behalf of the patient. My friend's poor mother could only deal with the needs of her son. Not
only was she in a new
city where she knew no one, but she was also grieving. The dog seemed extraneous to her but was very important to her son. Soon after
the dog found a home,
my friend died. We all found comfort in the fact that he had died in peace, resolving all issues that were important to him.
Depression Phase of Grief
After going through the bargaining stage, the dying individual or family members usually enters a depression. This
is the beginning of realization that death will occur. If the person is going through an
extended illness, the realization comes after symptoms worsen and a sense of great loss occurs.
Patients in this
stage are usually weaker and unable to perform even the simplest of tasks. Dr. Kubler Ross stated that there were two types of depression: reactionary
and
preparatory. Reactionary depression occurs because there are additional losses of: finances , job , independence , family role &, intimacy. Preparatory depression is related to the impeding loss, the death of the individual.
Not only is the person depressed because of the impeding death but often they question their significance in life. It is common for a dying person to
think that their life has been all in vain.
Examples of People in this Stage
When asked if she was ready for her bath, Ms. Gray responded, "What's the use, just let me die." Despite
encouragement
from family, friends, and caregivers, Ms. Gray refused any personal care for four days. Her sister became very frustrated and confronted Ms. Gray
about giving up. Ms. Gray just turned over in bed and refused to talk. (Preparatory Grief) Mr. Jones has leukemia and has
not responded to
treatment. He tells his wife that he is sorry to be such a financial burden and begins to cry.
His wife reassures
him that the insurance will cover his treatment and not to worry. (Reactionary) Mr. Wilson had been a farmer. Ever
since his diagnosis
of lung cancer he has become increasingly depressed and would not talk to his wife or children. One day he confided in a nurse that without farming,
he was "nothing." He wished he could put in the spring crop, one last time. (Reactionary)
He told the nurse,
that all he had ever done was farming. He felt that the world had not benefited from his existence
and lamented that he should have been a missionary.(Preparatory) After talking to his wife, she stated, "But you are the most loving and caring man in the world.
You have provided for me and the children; that's what you have done." This had a big impact on Mr. Wilson and he began to communicate with
his family
again.
How to Help People in this Stage
The first reaction that caregivers generally have toward this stage is to cheer the depressed individual up and encourage them to look
at the bright side of things. This may work somewhat for reactionary
depression. However, preparatory depression is more complex. A grieving person will find
more comfort in expressing
him or herself. Often this just means sitting with that person and listening. This stage of grief tends to be a quiet one,
and sometimes all someone
needs is your presence. Take the time to tell the dying person what they have meant to your life. Encourage others to recall the dying individual's
qualities.
Acceptance Phase of Grief
Acceptance is considered the final stage in the grief process. Some family members and friends
see this as a
happy time of resolution. However, according to Dr. Kubler-Ross, this time demonstrates a time where a dying person is void of feeling
and begins to concentration
on their inner self. Many professionals feel that this stage comes as a result of the dying person becoming physically weaker. This
stage is
usually only seen in individuals that have enough time to work through the other stages of grief. During this time, the dying
individual exhibits: a decrease in interest in worldly events, a desire to be left alone , a decreased desire for communication, an increase in detachment from loved ones ... If you are helping someone through this stage, you can
help to respect
the dying one's wishes by: limiting the number of visitors , showing non-verbal signs of affection (sometimes a dying individual just wants you to hold their hand) reassuring the person that it
is all right not to talk. For family members, watching a loved one go through , this stage can be very stressful. Often family
members want to use this time to clear the air before their loved one dies. They are frustrated
when the dying
individual wants to be alone. Some may interpret the expected detachment
as rejection.
 
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